laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp »

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with he r right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing.
We even called up Mable, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her
knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and none of us could get that damn jar open".
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

BREAKING NEWS: Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning. Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.
There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit...

It's a little fit bunny.
There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
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ashman
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by ashman »

bristleposh wrote: 20 Jan 2021, 15:20 Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit...

It's a little fit bunny.
Boom, boom! :D
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 »

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times, and finally, the bartender asks "why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife'".
The guy says "as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home...."
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 »

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.....
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pleasureboy60
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by pleasureboy60 »

I was tested negative for the new Brazilian varient of Covid yesterday, phew that was a close shave!
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

pleasureboy60 wrote: 31 Jan 2021, 10:32 I was tested negative for the new Brazilian varient of Covid yesterday, phew that was a close shave!
:D
There are two types of people in this world:
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

35 years ago this week Ryanair made its first flight from Waterford in Ireland to London, apparently 35 years later they are still trying to reunite the passengers with their luggage.
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"
I replied "Dunno, sticks I suppose?"
There are two types of people in this world:
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 »

bristleposh wrote: 28 Feb 2021, 17:08 I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
The chap said "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"
I replied "Dunno, sticks I suppose?"
Well, my dog is SO intelligent
..
... you should see him make a bolt for the door!

:D
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

But my dogs got no nose boom boom
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp »

The minister's 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with great dignity gave his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp »

That same minister was driving with his wife and 5 year old son one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of them stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As the minister was reeling from the shock, he heard the 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

tonyp wrote: 04 May 2021, 04:31 That same minister was driving with his wife and 5 year old son one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of them stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As the minister was reeling from the shock, he heard the 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
...and what she was wearing needed ironing
There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
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