laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp »

bristleposh wrote: 03 Feb 2022, 23:18 A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery and says, "Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks say he can.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was.
The monks lead the man to a door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
He pushes the door open.
He is amazed to discover the source of that sound.
The man, his car and the monastery have never been found.
daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 »

A coach full of musicians has broken down on the motorway
Police have said to expect some lengthy jams.......
A friendly Reading FC fan! He is a moderator here: http://www.extremefootballforum.com/forum
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let alcohol touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
We were much improved under McCann
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

One day little Jonny's teacher says to him, “little Jonny, tell me a story with a moral in it.” Jonny replies, “there’s a horse and a chicken playing in a meadow when the horse falls in quicksand. The horse shouts to the chicken, hurry up, hurry up go get the farmer to get me out of here!” Chicken runs back to the farm and the farmer is nowhere to be seen. So he takes the BMW, backs it up to the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse and ties the other end around the bumper. Pulls the horse out and the horse is eternally grateful. A couple of days later chicken falls in the same quicksand, and shouts out to the horse “hurry up, hurry up go get the farmer to get me out of here!” The horse thinks, hold on a sec I can stand over this quicksand. So stands over it and says to the chicken “grab hold of my penis!” So chicken grabs hold of the horse's penis and the horse pulls him out.

The teacher says “that’s a great story Jonny but what’s the moral of the story?”

“The moral is,” Jonny says, “if you’re hung like a horse you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.”
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp »

Gerald was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Gerald wanted two things:
• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 60 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men...
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

When I was a kid, all my clothes came from the army surplus store.
I was the only Japanese General in my class.
We were much improved under McCann
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp »

bristleposh wrote: 08 Mar 2022, 12:57 I doubt if anyone can keep us up,
but if anyone can McCann can
It's really beginning to look as though even McCann can't
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees wasn’t in & had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
“Hello? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman " came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "
"ME"
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh »

I just rang Paddy Power to ask what price they’d offer on a Unicorn appearing on the pitch at Cheltenham on the first day of the season, they said don’t be silly they are mythical beings.
So I asked what price Cambridge to win the First Division, they asked me what colour unicorn I’d like to bet on.
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ashman
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by ashman »

bristleposh wrote: 27 Jun 2022, 22:17 I just rang Paddy Power to ask what price they’d offer on a Unicorn appearing on the pitch at Cheltenham on the first day of the season, they said don’t be silly they are mythical beings.
So I asked what price Cambridge to win the First Division, they asked me what colour unicorn I’d like to bet on.
Boom, boom! :clap:
'Everybody needs to have a friend'
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