laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 26 Oct 2018, 14:49

Just bought a new U2 sat nav!
I've had to take it back though.

The streets have no name & I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 26 Oct 2018, 15:46

bristleposh wrote:
26 Oct 2018, 14:49
Just bought a new U2 sat nav!
I've had to take it back though.

The streets have no name & I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
:clap2:
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OBM
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by OBM » 26 Oct 2018, 19:13

bristleposh wrote:
26 Oct 2018, 14:49
Just bought a new U2 sat nav!
I've had to take it back though.

The streets have no name & I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
Indeed :clap2:

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 29 Oct 2018, 22:06

The Mrs gave me £60.00 yesterday, then told me to go out and spend it on something that makes her look sexy.
You should've seen her face when I came home pissed!
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 06 Dec 2018, 00:13

Bloke driving along picks up a hitch-hiker.

After a few minutes the hitch-hiker says 'aren't you nervous about picking a hitch-hiker up, I could be a serial killer'?

The bloke says 'nah, the odds of there being two serial killers in this car are astronomical'.
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poshnipper
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by poshnipper » 11 Dec 2018, 09:57

daib0 wrote:
06 Dec 2018, 00:13
Bloke driving along picks up a hitch-hiker.

After a few minutes the hitch-hiker says 'aren't you nervous about picking a hitch-hiker up, I could be a serial killer'?

The bloke says 'nah, the odds of there being two serial killers in this car are astronomical'.
:clap2:
We go again...
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 05 Jan 2019, 13:26

NOT MENTIONING NAMES BUT ?
Sorry, I need to vent!!!! ???
I experienced the WORST customer service earlier today at a shop in town.
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. On Tuesday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 48 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." ???
No refund.
No FREE replacement.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I''ll tell you what...
I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again !!
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 05 Jan 2019, 13:28

I just applied for a job in the Citroen factory.


I had to send in 2CVs.
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 05 Jan 2019, 13:49

daib0 wrote:
05 Jan 2019, 13:28
I just applied for a job in the Citroen factory.


I had to send in 2CVs.
:lol:
I used to love those cars are they still available
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 06 Jan 2019, 17:10

Talking about the amazing developments in health care of late -


A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so, so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."


The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in only 4 weeks he is looking for a job."


The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and you know, we're so strong that in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."


The American doctor laughs: "But you are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now... the whole country is going to have to look for a job!"
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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 06 Jan 2019, 18:58

:clap:
daib0 wrote:
06 Jan 2019, 17:10
Talking about the amazing developments in health care of late -


A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so, so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."


The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in only 4 weeks he is looking for a job."


The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and you know, we're so strong that in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."


The American doctor laughs: "But you are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now... the whole country is going to have to look for a job!"
:clap:
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 06 Jan 2019, 19:55

daib0 wrote:
06 Jan 2019, 17:10
Talking about the amazing developments in health care of late -


A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so, so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."


The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in only 4 weeks he is looking for a job."


The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and you know, we're so strong that in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."


The American doctor laughs: "But you are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now... the whole country is going to have to look for a job!"
True and funny
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 10 Jan 2019, 15:33

I used to sleep with a set of identical twins.

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a willy.
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 18 Jan 2019, 00:06

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own Clinic and puts a sign outside ;-

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American Lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the Clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of Taste.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'

Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is Kerosene.'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of Taste is restored. Give me $20 dolla.'

The annoyed Lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my Memory. I cannot remember anything.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is Kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my Taste.'

Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20 dolla.'

The fuming Lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My Eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'

Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100 dolla.'

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100"...

Chinese: 'Congrats muddaf*cka, your Eyesight is restored. Give me another $20 dolla'
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 18 Jan 2019, 00:28

I've been told that my grammar is very poor but I don't believe them. Only last week she gave me £20
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