laughs of the day

[tonyp]

I made my girlfriends dreams come true by marrying her in a castle, although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

ha ha

Yup.

[daib0]

My dear wife just failed the driving test. When the examiner asked: "what sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" there was a big silence.
Then the reply back: ‘fresh farm eggs for sale’ - apparently that wasn’t the correct answer!

[tonyp]

My dear wife just failed the driving test. When the examiner asked: "what sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" there was a big silence.
Then the reply back: ‘fresh farm eggs for sale’ - apparently that wasn’t the correct answer!

[daib0]

I can remember when my mum could send me to the shops with a ten bob note and I would return with 2 loaves, 3 bottles of milk, bag of sugar, carton of tea, 12 rashers of bacon, a block of butter, a block of cheese and even a bag of spuds.

You can't do that these days - too many darned security cameras about!!

[bristleposh]

Very good

[tonyp]

I can remember when my mum could send me to the shops with a ten bob note and I would return with 2 loaves, 3 bottles of milk, bag of sugar, carton of tea, 12 rashers of bacon, a block of butter, a block of cheese and even a bag of spuds.

You can't do that these days - too many darned security cameras about!!

[stuie]

I can remember when my mum could send me to the shops with a ten bob note and I would return with 2 loaves, 3 bottles of milk, bag of sugar, carton of tea, 12 rashers of bacon, a block of butter, a block of cheese and even a bag of spuds.

You can't do that these days - too many darned security cameras about!!

ha ha

[daib0]

A lady gets on a bus in Liverpool and asks the driver " is this bus going to Speke?"

The driver says " no lady, it's just an inarticulate lorry "

[daib0]

40 Year Old Virgin Woman: "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

[Lewis]

The old dear next door is a lazy cow,hasn't brought her milk in for 2 weeks.

[bristleposh]

The old dear next door is a lazy cow,hasn't brought her milk in for 2 weeks.

I shouldn’t have but I did chuckle

[tonyp]

The old dear next door is a lazy cow,hasn't brought her milk in for 2 weeks.

I shouldn’t have but I did chuckle

You shouldn't have.

[daib0]

You won't see me taking the p!ss out of small people.
I'm bigger than that.

[stuie]

You won't see me taking the p!ss out of small people.
I'm bigger than that.

ha ha

[tonyp]

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does.

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet !