laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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daib0
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Location: Spain - England
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 05 Jan 2018, 17:32

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.
A friendly Reading FC fan! He is a moderator here: http://www.extremefootballforum.com/forum

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stuie
Posts: 15687
Joined: 18 Jun 2007, 15:14
Location: cheshire

Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 05 Jan 2018, 17:59

daib0 wrote:
05 Jan 2018, 17:32
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.
very good :clap2:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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bristleposh
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 15 Jan 2018, 08:20

Went swimming earlier, I had a wee in the deep end.

Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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stuie
Posts: 15687
Joined: 18 Jun 2007, 15:14
Location: cheshire

Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 15 Jan 2018, 13:02

bristleposh wrote:
15 Jan 2018, 08:20
Went swimming earlier, I had a wee in the deep end.

Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!
, :clap2:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 17 Jan 2018, 19:18

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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stuie
Posts: 15687
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Location: cheshire

Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 17 Jan 2018, 19:40

bristleposh wrote:
17 Jan 2018, 19:18
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.
. very good :clap: :clap2:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

daib0
Posts: 2087
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain - England
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 17 Jan 2018, 20:14

bristleposh wrote:
17 Jan 2018, 19:18
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.
love it! :clap2:
A friendly Reading FC fan! He is a moderator here: http://www.extremefootballforum.com/forum

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 18 Jan 2018, 20:26

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did!, she stayed in the car and kept the engine running.
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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tonyp
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Joined: 25 Jun 2005, 14:22
Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 18 Jan 2018, 22:02

bristleposh wrote:
18 Jan 2018, 20:26
The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did!, she stayed in the car and kept the engine running.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Being happy never goes out of style

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tonyp
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Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 18 Jan 2018, 22:13

bristleposh wrote:
18 Jan 2018, 20:26
The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did!, she stayed in the car and kept the engine running.
My wife phoned me just before the party and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'
Being happy never goes out of style

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tonyp
Posts: 19481
Joined: 25 Jun 2005, 14:22
Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 19 Jan 2018, 05:13

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.
Being happy never goes out of style

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Chompy
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by Chompy » 19 Jan 2018, 10:08

Weak

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 19 Jan 2018, 10:10

7 doys
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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tonyp
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Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 19 Jan 2018, 10:17

Chompy wrote:
19 Jan 2018, 10:08
Weak
I have to admit I didn't invent it.
It is one of Tommy Cooper's award winning one/two liners. He knew that not everybody was capable of understanding his jokes.
Being happy never goes out of style

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Chompy
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Joined: 19 Jul 2005, 16:26

Re: laughs of the day

Post by Chompy » 19 Jan 2018, 10:24

Yup, Tommy Cooper gags are above me.

This thread sums up a lot of the contributors on here perfectly.

It's like reading a copy of The Sun from the 1970s.

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