laughs of the day

[bristleposh]

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships?

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.

[bristleposh]

I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly, but there's a paper bag machine in the gents.

[daib0]

Spoke to an old classmate of mine from years ago t'other day, I asked what he was doing now, he replied
"I'm working on a project involving aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment"
I was really impressed!
However, upon further enquiry I learned that he was ... washing the dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision!


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My boss said to me, “You're the worst train driver I have ever known. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track.”

[bristleposh]

At any given moment the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim-away...



A whim-away, a whim-away, a whim-away...

[bristleposh]

I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this weekend in a tragic accident...

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring!

[daib0]

My mate hired an eastern European as a cleaner, took her ten hours to do the hoovering.

- Turns out she's a Slovak...

[bristleposh]

What's a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[daib0]

My mate David is a victim of ID theft.

Now we just call him ‘Dav’ ...

[bristleposh]

My mate David is a victim of ID theft.

Now we just call him ‘Dav’ ...

I'm sure I've seen your mate in a previous joke

[tonyp]

Q. Why did the monkey put a piece of steak on his head?
A. He thought he was a griller.

[tonyp]

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A. Holes all over Australia.

[daib0]

Children Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Jim , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
JIM : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[tonyp]

Q. What do you get when you cross a duck with cheese?
A. Cheese quackers.

[bristleposh]

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.

[daib0]

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.