laughs of the day
Moderators: ashman, poshnipper
- bristleposh
- Posts: 26916
- Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
- Location: El Dub
Re: laughs of the day
Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships?
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
- bristleposh
- Posts: 26916
- Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
- Location: El Dub
Re: laughs of the day
I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly, but there's a paper bag machine in the gents.
Re: laughs of the day
Spoke to an old classmate of mine from years ago t'other day, I asked what he was doing now, he replied
"I'm working on a project involving aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment"
I was really impressed!
However, upon further enquiry I learned that he was ... washing the dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision!
-----------------------------------
My boss said to me, “You're the worst train driver I have ever known. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track.”
"I'm working on a project involving aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment"
I was really impressed!
However, upon further enquiry I learned that he was ... washing the dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision!
-----------------------------------
My boss said to me, “You're the worst train driver I have ever known. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track.”
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com
- bristleposh
- Posts: 26916
- Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
- Location: El Dub
Re: laughs of the day
At any given moment the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim-away...
A whim-away, a whim-away, a whim-away...
A whim-away, a whim-away, a whim-away...
- bristleposh
- Posts: 26916
- Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
- Location: El Dub
Re: laughs of the day
I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this weekend in a tragic accident...
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring!
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring!
Re: laughs of the day
My mate hired an eastern European as a cleaner, took her ten hours to do the hoovering.
- Turns out she's a Slovak...
- Turns out she's a Slovak...
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com
- bristleposh
- Posts: 26916
- Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
- Location: El Dub
Re: laughs of the day
What's a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Re: laughs of the day
My mate David is a victim of ID theft.
Now we just call him ‘Dav’ ...
Now we just call him ‘Dav’ ...
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com
- bristleposh
- Posts: 26916
- Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
- Location: El Dub
Re: laughs of the day
I'm sure I've seen your mate in a previous jokedaib0 wrote:My mate David is a victim of ID theft.
Now we just call him ‘Dav’ ...

Q&A Old but still funny
Q. Why did the monkey put a piece of steak on his head?
A. He thought he was a griller.

A. He thought he was a griller.


Being happy never goes out of style
Re: Q&A Old but still funny
Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A. Holes all over Australia.
A. Holes all over Australia.
Being happy never goes out of style
Re: laughs of the day
Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Jim , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
JIM : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Jim , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
JIM : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com
Re: laughs of the day
Q. What do you get when you cross a duck with cheese?
A. Cheese quackers.
A. Cheese quackers.
Being happy never goes out of style
- bristleposh
- Posts: 26916
- Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
- Location: El Dub
Re: laughs of the day
There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."
Bloody Foreigner.
Bloody Foreigner.
Re: laughs of the day
bristleposh wrote:There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."
Bloody Foreigner.

A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com
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