laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 18 Jan 2019, 08:51

bristleposh wrote:
10 Jan 2019, 15:33
I used to sleep with a set of identical twins.

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a willy.
Are you sure they were identical?
Being happy never goes out of style

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 22 Jan 2019, 19:11

I'm organising a party for people who can't reach an orgasm, so if you can't come let me know .
:lol:
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 23 Jan 2019, 15:58

daib0 wrote:
22 Jan 2019, 19:11
I'm organising a party for people who can't reach an orgasm, so if you can't come let me know .
:lol:
:clap: :clap2: :clap:
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 25 Jan 2019, 00:47

Today in Barclays , an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over...
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 26 Jan 2019, 10:07

daib0 wrote:
22 Jan 2019, 19:11
I'm organising a party for people who can't reach an orgasm, so if you can't come let me know .
:lol:
Don't get it.
Being happy never goes out of style

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tonyp
Posts: 19456
Joined: 25 Jun 2005, 14:22
Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 26 Jan 2019, 10:14

My wife went to Kingston last week.
Jamaica?
Yes, that's the place.
Being happy never goes out of style

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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 27 Jan 2019, 12:52

tonyp wrote:
26 Jan 2019, 10:07
daib0 wrote:
22 Jan 2019, 19:11
I'm organising a party for people who can't reach an orgasm, so if you can't come let me know .
:lol:
Don't get it.
:clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 27 Jan 2019, 15:05

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks.
“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?”
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 27 Jan 2019, 17:24

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
A: He had no body to go with!
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 28 Jan 2019, 17:18

Got an email from the AA.
Said that anyone travelling in bad weather conditions should take:
Shovel, jump leads, torch, tow rope, blanket, sleeping bag, hot drink flask, food, warm clothing, gloves and mobile phone.

I felt a bit of a prat on the bus...
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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 29 Jan 2019, 14:09

daib0 wrote:
28 Jan 2019, 17:18
Got an email from the AA.
Said that anyone travelling in bad weather conditions should take:
Shovel, jump leads, torch, tow rope, blanket, sleeping bag, hot drink flask, food, warm clothing, gloves and mobile phone.

I felt a bit of a prat on the bus...
:clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 01 Feb 2019, 08:49

A Brexit walks into a pub and the barman says "Why the long farce"
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 01 Feb 2019, 15:40

Just rang the drug addiction centre and the recorded message said


" if you have a problem with cannabis press hash ... If your issue is with cocaine, stay on the line "
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daib0
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Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain - England
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 01 Feb 2019, 18:10

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
A friendly Reading FC fan! He is a moderator here: http://www.extremefootballforum.com/forum

daib0
Posts: 2087
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain - England
Contact:

Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 11 Feb 2019, 23:27

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyParis"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital...
A friendly Reading FC fan! He is a moderator here: http://www.extremefootballforum.com/forum

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