laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 12 Jun 2018, 17:39

daib0 wrote:
11 Jun 2018, 21:46
Just back from holiday in Thailand & I came close to going all the way with a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked & talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.

It was only when she drove me to her place & reversed the car in the garage first time I thought to myself "Hang on a bloody minute..." :o


:lol:
Good one :lol:
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 13 Jun 2018, 09:22

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a copper pulls him over:

'Have you been drinking?' He asks.
'Just water' replied the priest.
Cop says, 'So why do I smell wine?'
Priest looks over at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord, he's done it again'
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 13 Jun 2018, 17:08

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 22 Jun 2018, 18:00

"What do we want!?"

"HEARING AIDS!!!"

"When do we want them!?"

"HEARING AIDS!!!"
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 01 Jul 2018, 08:52

My wife yelled at me earlier "You weren't even listening there, were you?"

I thought "What a weird way to start a conversation".
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 01 Jul 2018, 09:27

bristleposh wrote:
01 Jul 2018, 08:52
My wife yelled at me earlier "You weren't even listening there, were you?"

I thought "What a weird way to start a conversation".
:lol: :lol:
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 01 Jul 2018, 13:58

There are 3 unwritten rules in life.



















1.
2.
3.
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 02 Jul 2018, 07:18

Saw a brilliant Nigerian sci-fi page on the web last night:

"How to get your own robot name."

You input all the numbers on your credit card, the expiry date and the last 3 digits on the back . Then it randomly generates it for you, mine's...

1D10T
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 04 Jul 2018, 13:32

A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 05 Jul 2018, 08:55

MAKING BABIES

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.

"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"

"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 05 Jul 2018, 10:35

:lol:
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 05 Jul 2018, 10:39

daib0 wrote:
05 Jul 2018, 08:55
MAKING BABIES

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.

"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"

"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.
:clap: :clap:
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 05 Jul 2018, 13:14

I've just been asked what's the difference between ignorance & apathy ?
My response was I didn't know & didn't care

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again!
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 08 Jul 2018, 14:21

I've just been on a round-the-world holiday. Next year I'm going somewhere different!
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 10 Jul 2018, 12:11

A very pretty young speech therapist with an equally fine figure was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammer’s Action Group. She had tried virtually every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born,
without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache
and your eyeswater."

The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's going to try next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

“That's no better either, Hamish. ... Now, how about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5, clenched both fists at his sides and
eventually blurted out:. . . . . “London ".

“Absolutely Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally hot and steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:

...

...


..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
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