laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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bristleposh
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Re: Thinking of giving my wife a new nickname

Post by bristleposh » 13 Oct 2017, 17:00

But I don't call Chompy my wife
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 14 Oct 2017, 09:22

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.


Stolen from the other message board
Being happy never goes out of style

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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 14 Oct 2017, 09:43

tonyp wrote:
14 Oct 2017, 09:22
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.


Stolen from the other message board
:clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 14 Oct 2017, 10:39

Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 16 Oct 2017, 23:13

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over....women like that are hard to find !"
Being happy never goes out of style

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tonyp
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laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 17 Oct 2017, 07:39

bristleposh wrote:
13 Oct 2017, 17:00
Me: When I was younger I was given a choice, a long penis or a good memory.
Hot Lady: Which one did you choose?
Me: I can’t remember!
Hot Lady: So I see.
Being happy never goes out of style

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 19 Oct 2017, 00:13

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile," says the Coroner.

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken!"
Being happy never goes out of style

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 19 Oct 2017, 20:54

This joke has been spinning round my head since about three o'clock this morning.


Two Japanese Sewage workers both come up for retirement after working in the Sewers of Tokyo for fifty years.
The Mayor of the City arranges a presentation in Honour of the men and to thank them for their hard work and loyalty. On the evening of the presentation,the Mayor asks both men to come forward to receive a retirement gift and to thank them publicly for there dedication. The Mayor said to both men. "On behalf of the people of this city I thank you for all your work in the Sewers of Tokyo. Having worked in the sewers for 50yrs you must be very good friends." Both men told the Mayor that this was the first time they had ever met. To which the Mayor replied. Oh, so you are just two Nips that pass in the Sh1te"
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 29 Oct 2017, 22:51

I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish I had your will power!”
Being happy never goes out of style

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 31 Oct 2017, 02:49

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
Being happy never goes out of style

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 02 Nov 2017, 10:24

I've just invented a new flavour of crisps.... if they're successful I reckon I'll make a packet.
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 02 Nov 2017, 10:27

daib0 wrote:
02 Nov 2017, 10:24
I've just invented a new flavour of crisps.... if they're successful I reckon I'll make a packet.
kerching
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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 02 Nov 2017, 18:39

daib0 wrote:
02 Nov 2017, 10:24
I've just invented a new flavour of crisps.... if they're successful I reckon I'll make a packet.
:clap2:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 02 Nov 2017, 23:26

Q. Which is the most musical fish? 
  
A. The piano tuna.


.....


King Arthur "Well that's a nice round table, who made it?" 
  
Knight "Sir Cumference"
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 03 Nov 2017, 11:11

daib0 wrote:
02 Nov 2017, 23:26
Q. Which is the most musical fish? 
  
A. The piano tuna.


.....


King Arthur "Well that's a nice round table, who made it?" 
  
Knight "Sir Cumference"
:clap2: :clap2:
Being happy never goes out of style

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