laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 23 May 2017, 13:35

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it ?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you ?"
"It was horrible," he replies.
"All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 23 May 2017, 15:52

daib0 wrote:The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it ?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you ?"
"It was horrible," he replies.
"All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
:clap2:
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 01 Jun 2017, 14:24

Mixed results in the celebrity art quiz today. Bobby Davro knew nothing about impressionism but Bonnie Tyler was superb in the Turner round.
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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 07 Jun 2017, 15:37

Stuck in lift with Corbyn and Abbott. She can't work out what floor number, he won't press the button.
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DoubleRay
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by DoubleRay » 07 Jun 2017, 19:44

alzheimers.jpg
alzheimers.jpg (20.65 KiB) Viewed 736 times
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_20170607_194708.JPG (26.19 KiB) Viewed 736 times

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 16 Jun 2017, 16:36

"The problem with quotes on Twitter is that you can never tell if they're genuine"

Winston Churchill 1944
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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 22 Jun 2017, 21:26

Does anyone know the number of a vet?

My mate has been checking the room sizes in his new flat and the cat has suffered some head injuries.
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 22 Jun 2017, 22:57

bristleposh wrote:
22 Jun 2017, 21:26
Does anyone know the number of a vet?

My mate has been checking the room sizes in his new flat and the cat has suffered some head injuries.
:clap2:
Image
Being happy never goes out of style

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 24 Jun 2017, 12:29

I've just come into some money...

Do you reckon I'd have to clean it before going to the bank?
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 12 Jul 2017, 16:53

I phoned up Gamblers Anonymous today at 12.00p.m.
They said they were really busy and asked me to ring back at 20 to 1...
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 12 Jul 2017, 18:51

boom boom
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 18 Jul 2017, 09:17

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald! Duck!"
Being happy never goes out of style

daib0
Posts: 1776
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 18 Jul 2017, 20:27

A Tommy Cooper coming up ...

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.”

!!
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

daib0
Posts: 1776
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 21 Jul 2017, 18:29

A multi-millionaire business man in the City of London went to his club for lunch every Friday. He used to pass a Tube station and one day noticed a blind man selling homemade carved wooden pencil cases for a fiver. From then on, every Friday, at the same time, he would put a fiver in the blind man's bowl but didn't take a pencil case. About six months later he was putting his fiver in the bowl when the blind man said:
'Sir, are you the gentleman that puts a fiver in the bowl but never takes a pencil case?'
Reluctantly, the business man confirmed that he was.
'Well' said the blind man 'they're six quid now".
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

daib0
Posts: 1776
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 29 Jul 2017, 23:28

Paddy is chatting up a hot blonde and eventually he asks her back to his place.

Blonde: Sure but just so you know I'm on my menstrual cycle.

Paddy: Ah Me too! Mines parked round the corner!
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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