laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 29 Jul 2017, 23:28

Why is the British weather like a muslim?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite!
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 30 Jul 2017, 17:03

daib0 wrote:
29 Jul 2017, 23:28
Why is the British weather like a muslim?

It's either Sunni or Shi'ite!
:clap: :clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 31 Jul 2017, 22:47

Two guys went to a petrol station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their petrol and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 01 Aug 2017, 00:51

daib0 wrote:
31 Jul 2017, 22:47
Two guys went to a petrol station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their petrol and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
:lol: :clap2:
Being happy never goes out of style

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 01 Aug 2017, 12:26

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.
I started a joke that had the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 01 Aug 2017, 14:48

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.
I started a joke that had the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 01 Aug 2017, 19:43

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 01 Aug 2017, 19:48

daib0 wrote:
01 Aug 2017, 19:43
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
:clap: :clap2: :clap:
I started a joke that had the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me

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stuie
Posts: 14693
Joined: 18 Jun 2007, 15:14
Location: cheshire

Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 02 Aug 2017, 05:35

bristleposh wrote:
01 Aug 2017, 19:48
daib0 wrote:
01 Aug 2017, 19:43
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
:clap: :clap2: :clap:
:stupid: :clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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bristleposh
Posts: 26269
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 23 Aug 2017, 09:25

A way to determine if you are old?
Fall over in front of people.
If they laugh you're still young.
If they panic & help you you're old!


Don't I just know it.
I started a joke that had the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me

daib0
Posts: 1796
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 24 Aug 2017, 17:08

I said to the baker..
"How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said..." that's Madeira cake"
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

daib0
Posts: 1796
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
Contact:

Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 24 Aug 2017, 19:20

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested in Burnley after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed tomorrow...
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 24 Aug 2017, 19:26

daib0 wrote:
24 Aug 2017, 19:20
Police have confirmed a man has been arrested in Burnley after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed tomorrow...
Boom boom,

Combine Harvester and you have a f***ing big restaurant
I started a joke that had the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me

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tonyp
Posts: 18321
Joined: 25 Jun 2005, 14:22
Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 28 Aug 2017, 10:27

An advert in the Bristol News

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire, going to the pub. Candlelit dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me and yes, don't need much coaxing to jump into bed with you ...


Call **** **** **** and ask for Lucy - I'll be waiting.....


Scroll down.............
















Over 500 men telephoned and found themselves talking to the RSPCA office in Bristol!!
Being happy never goes out of style

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tonyp
Posts: 18321
Joined: 25 Jun 2005, 14:22
Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 28 Aug 2017, 10:36

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Being happy never goes out of style

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