laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 04 Dec 2017, 13:58

daib0 wrote:
04 Dec 2017, 12:45
so ... It’s the Olympic Fishing event today.
I hear it’s all online...
Anyone got a good stream?
:lol:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 04 Dec 2017, 22:02

stuie wrote:
04 Dec 2017, 13:58
daib0 wrote:
04 Dec 2017, 12:45
so ... It’s the Olympic Fishing event today.
I hear it’s all online...
Anyone got a good stream?
:lol:
:clap2:
Being happy never goes out of style

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 05 Dec 2017, 19:47

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph

"It's better than Derek."
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 14 Dec 2017, 23:46

A bloke in the pub said to me "Incredible it sounds, but I trained my dog to go get the paper from the shop 6 miles away!"

I said "That's a bit far fetched" ...
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 15 Dec 2017, 00:35

bristleposh wrote:
05 Dec 2017, 19:47
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph

"It's better than Derek."
WhenI heard that joke the punch line was "It's better than Nick".
Being happy never goes out of style

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bristleposh
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Location: El Dub

A & E

Post by bristleposh » 22 Dec 2017, 10:45

Well friends, I'm at A&E.
Today has not been a good day so far!
I decided to go horse riding instead of staying at home bored, something I haven’t ever done before. It turned out to be a big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.









Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. But the bastard took the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant!
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 28 Dec 2017, 09:31

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.
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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 28 Dec 2017, 13:43

bristleposh wrote:
28 Dec 2017, 09:31
I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.
ah ah :clap2:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

daib0
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Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 02 Jan 2018, 20:53

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”.

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman. “I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 04 Jan 2018, 18:07

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field...
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 05 Jan 2018, 08:50

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Being happy never goes out of style

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bristleposh
Posts: 27031
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Location: El Dub

Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 05 Jan 2018, 09:49

tonyp wrote:
05 Jan 2018, 08:50
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
:clap: :clap2: :clap: I needed that a good larf
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stuie
Posts: 15402
Joined: 18 Jun 2007, 15:14
Location: cheshire

Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 05 Jan 2018, 10:22

tonyp wrote:
05 Jan 2018, 08:50
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
:clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

daib0
Posts: 1888
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
Contact:

Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 05 Jan 2018, 10:29

Charles decided to take up walking every day.
However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.
"No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!”
He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.
He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b**^Ѩ!!"
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

User avatar
stuie
Posts: 15402
Joined: 18 Jun 2007, 15:14
Location: cheshire

Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 05 Jan 2018, 11:27

daib0 wrote:
05 Jan 2018, 10:29
Charles decided to take up walking every day.
However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.
"No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!”
He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.
He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b**^Ѩ!!"
:clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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