laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 16 Feb 2018, 10:24

tonyp wrote:
16 Feb 2018, 02:40
With all the other things in this world to think about, here are a few that perhaps hadn't crossed your mind:

Think about these:

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it

If poison passes its use by date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U Shouldn't it be called double V and why isn't "m" called "double n"

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still "SWIMS".

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.


100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


Your future self is watching you right now through memories.


The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.


If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.


If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.


If 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". ?
(It does fall on a Tuesday)
excellent :clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 16 Feb 2018, 15:47

tonyp wrote:
16 Feb 2018, 02:40



If 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". ?
(It does fall on a Tuesday)
I like those but is that the American calender or is it same in Oz?
They had a bad thing happen on our November 9th
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 16 Feb 2018, 22:33

bristleposh wrote:
16 Feb 2018, 15:47
tonyp wrote:
16 Feb 2018, 02:40



If 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". ?
(It does fall on a Tuesday)
I like those but is that the American calender or is it same in Oz?
They had a bad thing happen on our November 9th
It must have originated on the American calendar. I should have changed it to 22/2/22.
Our calendar is the same as yours.
911 is 9th of November. :)
Being happy never goes out of style

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 17 Feb 2018, 14:42

Just been in Blackpool, and I saw a guy & woman shouting then fighting...
A copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts twatting the guy with a baton! The guy gets the baton and starts hitting the copper AND his wife!
Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

never happens in Reading!
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 17 Feb 2018, 14:48

daib0 wrote:
17 Feb 2018, 14:42
Just been in Blackpool, and I saw a guy & woman shouting then fighting...
A copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts twatting the guy with a baton! The guy gets the baton and starts hitting the copper AND his wife!
Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

never happens in Reading!
:clap2: :lol:
Nor Brisbane. Although the crocodile bit seems to ring a bell.
Being happy never goes out of style

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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 17 Feb 2018, 16:51

daib0 wrote:
17 Feb 2018, 14:42
Just been in Blackpool, and I saw a guy & woman shouting then fighting...
A copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts twatting the guy with a baton! The guy gets the baton and starts hitting the copper AND his wife!
Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

never happens in Reading!
very good
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 23 Feb 2018, 12:33

There are only 11 times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use.


They are as follows:


11. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?”
— Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. “What the @#$% was that?”
— Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”
— George Custer, 1877


8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”
— Albert Einstein, 1938


7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”
— Picasso, 1926


6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?”
— Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”
— Michelangelo, 1566


4. “Where the @#$% are we?”
— Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!”
— Noah, 4314 BC


2. “Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”
— Bill Clinton, 1998


1. “There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President”
— HilaryClinton 2016
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daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 28 Feb 2018, 08:56

The Banker

A hotshot London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner banker looks down in horror. ‘Oh no!' he screams... Where's my f**-- Rolex?"
A friendly Reading FC fan! Job: CELLO MAN - see extensive web www.johnstone-music.com

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 28 Feb 2018, 09:01

daib0 wrote:
28 Feb 2018, 08:56
The Banker

A hotshot London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner banker looks down in horror. ‘Oh no!' he screams... Where's my f**-- Rolex?"
:clap: :clap2: :clap:
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 28 Feb 2018, 09:17

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Being happy never goes out of style

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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 28 Feb 2018, 09:43

daib0 wrote:
28 Feb 2018, 08:56
The Banker

A hotshot London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner banker looks down in horror. ‘Oh no!' he screams... Where's my f**-- Rolex?"
ha ha :clap:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 28 Feb 2018, 23:28

Last night there was a talent show at our local club.
One of the entrants was a female ventriloquist. You don't see many female ventriloquists.
What was even more surprising was that she performed topless.
She was really good. I didn't see her lips move once.
Being happy never goes out of style

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 01 Mar 2018, 08:55

tonyp wrote:
28 Feb 2018, 23:28
Last night there was a talent show at our local club.
One of the entrants was a female ventriloquist. You don't see many female ventriloquists.
What was even more surprising was that she performed topless.
She was really good. I didn't see her lips move once.
me neither! :lol:
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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 04 Mar 2018, 10:05

I made my girlfriends dreams come true by marrying her in a castle, although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.
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stuie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by stuie » 04 Mar 2018, 10:59

bristleposh wrote:
04 Mar 2018, 10:05
I made my girlfriends dreams come true by marrying her in a castle, although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.
ha ha :clap2:
Plymouth to Portsmouth 2017 -2018, that ain't far

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