laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 09 Feb 2017, 10:11

I wonder if that bird that shat on my windscreen, will behave better on our next date
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

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bristleposh
Posts: 25281
Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
Location: Bristol

Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 09 Feb 2017, 11:25

My girlfriend asked me to buy some pills, so that I could finally get an erection.

I bought her some diet-pills.
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

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bristleposh
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Location: Bristol

Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 11 Feb 2017, 11:01

MUM!!!

I'm being called gay in school.

Who is calling you that son?

A bunch of cute boys.
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

daib0
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Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
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Re: laughs of the day

Postby daib0 » 11 Feb 2017, 14:21

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband,
"I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker."

He says,
"That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies,
"Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Castleford"
http://www.royalsrendezvous.co.uk - a specialist and friendly Reading forum
Cello man ... in action in this VIDEO https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEVmGOEMJLE&t=12s Please share !

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Postby daib0 » 11 Feb 2017, 14:21

which reminds me ...


Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'
http://www.royalsrendezvous.co.uk - a specialist and friendly Reading forum
Cello man ... in action in this VIDEO https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEVmGOEMJLE&t=12s Please share !

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bristleposh
Posts: 25281
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Location: Bristol

Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 11 Feb 2017, 14:23

daib0 wrote:A bride on her wedding night says to her husband,
"I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker."

He says,
"That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies,
"Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Castleford"

:clap: :clap2: :clap:
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

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bristleposh
Posts: 25281
Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
Location: Bristol

Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 11 Feb 2017, 14:24

daib0 wrote:which reminds me ...


Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'

I remember them both and both very funny
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

daib0
Posts: 1620
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
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Re: laughs of the day

Postby daib0 » 11 Feb 2017, 14:48

One of our archbishops decided to experience the sailing of a cruise liner to New York. On arrival, he was surrounded by reporters. The first question came from a real tough Brooklyn reporter, who blatantly asked him if he was going to visit any of New York’s infamous strip clubs.
The archbishop thought carefully before answering:
“Are there any strip clubs in New York?”
The next day’s headlines hammered him:
“ARCHBISHOP’S FIRST QUESTION IN THE U.S.A. – ‘ARE THERE ANY STRIP CLUBS IN NEW YORK’ “ …!
http://www.royalsrendezvous.co.uk - a specialist and friendly Reading forum
Cello man ... in action in this VIDEO https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEVmGOEMJLE&t=12s Please share !

daib0
Posts: 1620
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
Contact:

Re: laughs of the day

Postby daib0 » 13 Feb 2017, 19:30

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to
a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What
can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but
he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is
asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes
them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says
good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist
is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several
weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
they have intercourse with no problems, pay the
doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just
what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her
house. I'm married and we can't go to my house The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We
do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
Medicare.
http://www.royalsrendezvous.co.uk - a specialist and friendly Reading forum
Cello man ... in action in this VIDEO https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEVmGOEMJLE&t=12s Please share !

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bristleposh
Posts: 25281
Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
Location: Bristol

Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 13 Feb 2017, 20:05

daib0 wrote:A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to
a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What
can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but
he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is
asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes
them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says
good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist
is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several
weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
they have intercourse with no problems, pay the
doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just
what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her
house. I'm married and we can't go to my house The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We
do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
Medicare.

:clap: :clap2: :clap:
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

User avatar
bristleposh
Posts: 25281
Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
Location: Bristol

Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 15 Feb 2017, 16:22

For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer.
I was sad I didn't get one this year!
First my gran dies, now this!
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

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stuie
Posts: 13823
Joined: 18 Jun 2007, 15:14
Location: cheshire

Re: laughs of the day

Postby stuie » 15 Feb 2017, 16:41

:clap:
bristleposh wrote:For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer.
I was sad I didn't get one this year!
First my gran dies, now this!
Rochdale to Bolton 2016 - 2017

daib0
Posts: 1620
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
Contact:

Re: laughs of the day

Postby daib0 » 15 Feb 2017, 16:57

bristleposh wrote:For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer.
I was sad I didn't get one this year!
First my gran dies, now this!

:clap2: :clap2:
http://www.royalsrendezvous.co.uk - a specialist and friendly Reading forum
Cello man ... in action in this VIDEO https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEVmGOEMJLE&t=12s Please share !

User avatar
bristleposh
Posts: 25281
Joined: 10 Jun 2007, 09:14
Location: Bristol

Re: laughs of the day

Postby bristleposh » 16 Feb 2017, 15:52

If 666 is the evil number.

Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.
In the Kingdom of the blind,
the one eyed man is King

daib0
Posts: 1620
Joined: 09 Nov 2011, 23:20
Location: Spain (Pamplona) - UK (Reading)
Contact:

Re: laughs of the day

Postby daib0 » 20 Feb 2017, 17:47

A man sees a lady with nice big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £10,000?"

She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner, she opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks, "Well, aren't you going to bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
http://www.royalsrendezvous.co.uk - a specialist and friendly Reading forum
Cello man ... in action in this VIDEO https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEVmGOEMJLE&t=12s Please share !


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